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tv   The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon  NBC  August 27, 2015 11:34pm-12:38am PDT

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world's fastest man taken down by a segue. >> oh, awful. >> this is at the world track and field championships in china. watch again. it happened moments after he won the 200 meter race. right there. as he was waving to the crowd a cameraman loses control of his segue and runs right into bolt. we should say he will be okay. but he was limping after the collision. >> that was a great somersault after. >> i was going to say. >> did you see that? that was impressive. >> what a recovery. forget about the segue. >> lifts back up. >> we will see him at the next olympics in rio. thank you for joining us. bye-bye. >> steve: from studio 6b in rockefeller center in the heart of new york city, it's "the tonight show starring jimmy fallon." tonight, join jimmy and his guests -- nicole kidman,
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patton oswalt, musical guest, the war on drugs and featuring the legendary roots crew. >> questlove: 188. >> steve: and now, here he is, jimmy fallon! ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that's a hot crowd. oh, that's a beautiful crowd right there. that's what i'm talking about. thank you very much. thank you so much. welcome. welcome to "the tonight show", everybody. here it is. we're here tonight. that's what i'm talking about. thank you very much. well, here's what people are
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talking about, you guys. well, the newly elected congressmen and women from the midterm elections were sworn in today. and get this, this congress will be the most diverse congress ever. with 104 women, 46 black lawmakers, 12 asian americans, and two native americans. yeah. [ cheers and applause ] that's correct. yeah. even the dolls on the "it's a a small world" ride were like, "pretty good." that's not bad. that's almost -- that's a lot. that's right, 104 female lawmakers. in other words, there's going to be a lot of filibusters that are like, "you know what you did." [ laughter ] just tell me. um-mmm. um-mmm. you know. as usual, vice president joe biden was responsible for swearing in the new members of the senate, and i don't want to say he gave too many finger guns, but he actually had to stop twice to reload. yeah. he was like, congratulations. congratulations. congratulations.
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of course, president obama is in the news as well. he was giving an interview recently. he said that athletes need to start speaking out more on important issues. and it seems like many of them are actually taking his advice. like, for instance, when he was asked about the u.s. renewing relations with cuba, angels outfielder mike trout said, "we got to get out there and give it our best. gotta give 110% and just take it one game at a time." [ laughter ] when asked about the recent sony hack involving north korea, heat forward chris bosh, this is true, he said, "we gotta give 110%. and all we can do is take it one game at a time. you get out there, and give it our best." and finally, when he was asked about the white house imposing sanctions on russia, ravens quarterback joe flacco said, "we just gotta give 110%. all we can do is just 110% of each game to give 110% to our best 110%." [ cheers and applause ] they said that. >> steve: that's in print. >> jimmy: that's in print, yeah. [ applause ] strong, strong opinion. you guys, this is very big here. a miami judge issued florida's first gay marriage license yesterday, which makes it the
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36th state to legally perform gay marriages. of course, most florida residents are too old to understand what that means. they're like, "honey, i think all marriages should be gay, eh. and merry. my wife married me, i was the gayest boy on the block." ♪ [ applause ] >> steve: radio. >> jimmy: well, it's a good day everybody. the 19th season of "the bachelor" premiered last night. yeah. [ cheers and applause ] that's my jam. that's my show. 30 women vying for the heart of bachelor chris soules. yeah. he's a farmer, this guy. the competition was pretty fierce. and since one on one time was hard to come by, some of the girls decided to just cut to the chase. check this out. >> katlin. >> nice, katlin. nice to meet you. >> i don't know much about you. i know your name's chris. i know you are a farmer and -- >> i am. >> you can plow the [ bleep ]
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out of my field any day. [ laughter ] ♪ >> steve: hey! >> jimmy: he was like, "good thing i have experience with hoes." [ laughter and applause ] >> steve: hey! >> jimmy: what he's saying is -- >> steve: agricultural joke. >> jimmy: that's a farm joke! [ cheers and applause ] >> steve: it's a farming tool. >> jimmy: a farming joke. >> steve: farming. >> jimmy: some business news, there are reports that verizon has approached aol to discuss a a possible take over. you can tell it's been awhile since anyone was interested in aol, because at first, the ceo was like -- [ computer voice ] welcome. [ laughter ] sorry. welcome. come on in. come on in. welcome. come on, have a seat. [ laughter ] that's right, verizon has approached aol to discuss a a possible take over. unfortunately, the deal abruptly ended when someone picked up the phone. mom, hang up! i'm in the middle of a merger, mom. [ modem noise ] >> steve: welcome. you've got mail.
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>> jimmy: that's the redo? >> steve: that's it. >> jimmy: it was so much better before. >> steve: i know, but they changed it. >> jimmy: let me try it again. let me log on. [ modem noise ] >> steve: welcome, you've got mail! >> jimmy: nah, i don't like that. it's a little bit too -- let's try something else. [ modem noise ] >> steve: welcome. you've got mail. >> jimmy: no, too scary. >> steve: quit talking and start chalking. >> jimmy: what? [ laughter ] this is very interesting. i read that this is actually the busiest time of the year for online dating websites. yeah. which is good news for guys, because after last night, at least you know all the crazy girls are on "the bachelor." [ laughter ] so you'll be fine. [ applause ] you can plow my field when you feel like it. >> steve: my back 40. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i want to pretend i'm a john deere tractor so that you can ride me around the plow -- the field. [ laughter ] what?
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it's a farm euphemism for sex. yeah, i know. >> steve: sexual intercourse. >> jimmy: i know what it is. yeah, yeah. hey, this is exciting. the girl scouts announced that they're adding three new cookies this year. [ cheers and applause ] i don't know why. they don't have to. what's the one with the caramel and the coconut? that's the best one. >> audience: samoas! >> jimmy: that's my jam right there. you can stop right there. anyways, they're adding three new flavors, including rah-rah raisins, and two gluten-free flavors. [ applause ] even jehovah witnesses are like "if they ring the door bell, pretend like we're not home." raisins. [ laughter ] >> steve: rah-rah raisin. >> jimmy: rah-rah raisins. the girl scouts announced that they are adding three new cookies, rah-rah raisins, trios, and one called toffee-tastics. yep. now, those are just the ones they got approved. it turns out that there are plenty of other cookies out there that didn't make the cut. >> steve: really? >> jimmy: we got a list. let's take a look at some of
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these. >> steve: oh my god. >> jimmy: first up we have, stank wafers. [ laughter ] >> steve: awful. >> jimmy: i'm glad -- >> steve: i'm glad they said no. >> jimmy: i'm glad they said no. >> steve: i'm glad they said no. >> jimmy: next up we have sour jonathans. then we have aftertastes. that's an interesting one. and finally, fig putins. [ laughter ] topical. got to keep it topical. it sells more. go out and get those girl scout cookies, they are good. and finally, this week is c.e.s., the big consumer electronics show out in las vegas. and i heard this year, dr. phil is there promoting his new medical app called "doctor on demand." yeah, so if you're someone who relies on dr. phil for medical advice, i'm sorry that you're dead. [ laughter ] we have a great show everybody! give it up for the roots right there! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ >> jimmy: hey!
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sounding good, guys. we've got a big week of shows ahead. tomorrow night, liam neeson will be here. [ cheers and applause ] we have something special planned for him. be sure to tune in for that. later this week, lena dunham and don cheadle will be joining us. >> steve: oh! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: and we got music from ghostface killah. >> steve: hey! >> jimmy: you don't want to miss it, it's good stuff this week. but first, we have a fun show tonight. she's a great, great actress. i'm just -- gosh, she's one of the most beautiful people in the world. look at her here. oh my gosh. wow. [ cheers and applause ] her new movie is the big family film, "paddington." nicole kidman is here tonight, you guys. [ cheers and applause ] "paddington" bear movie. >> steve: paddington bear. >> jimmy: yeah. we're going to put her acting skills to the test with a very intense game called "box of lies." [ cheers and applause ] plus, he's a hilarious comedian. gosh, he's always funny. he's author of the new book
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here, "silver screen fiend: learning about life from an addiction to film." it's all the movies he saw in this short time. he was like addicted to going to the movies, and he wrote about it. it's really funny. patton oswalt is stopping by. he's a good man. funny, funny dude. [ cheers and applause ] and we have a performance from the war on drugs are here tonight! yeah! [ cheers and applause ] guys, it's time to take a look at the stories making headlines today, and weigh the good with the bad. it's time for the pros and cons. here we go. ♪ pros and cons and pros and cons and prose ♪ >> jimmy: tonight, we'll be taking a look at the pros and cons of making a new year's resolution. >> steve: oh. >> jimmy: it's 2015. people out there trying to make changes to their lifestyle. let's take a look at the pros and cons of making a new year's resolution. here we go. pro, setting realistic goals for yourself that are actually attainable. con, like drinking more and gaining weight. [ cheers and applause ] >> steve: yeah. >> jimmy: i'd like to gain
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20 pounds this year. >> steve: yeah, gain 20 pounds. >> jimmy: pro, pledging to worry less about work and spend more time golfing. con, remembering you're still president until 2016. [ cheers and applause ] job's not over yet. pro, making a resolution to get in shape. con, the shape you're referring to is melting pumpkin. [ laughter ] interesting shape. >> steve: that's not a good shape. >> jimmy: no. >> steve: that's one of those new girl scout cookies. >> jimmy: is that right? >> steve: yeah. >> both: melted pumpkin. >> jimmy: yeah. >> jimmy: pro, finally fitting into a 34 waist again. con, realizing you haven't been that size in over 20 years, now the only thing you have that fits are hammer pants. that's -- coming back in style. >> steve: can't touch that. >> jimmy: they never went out. >> steve: no. >> jimmy: that's why i pray. [ light laughter ] pro, finding it easy to quit drinking. con, since jell-o shots are technically considered eating. [ laughter ] >> steve: that is true. >> jimmy: that is true. >> steve: that is true. >> jimmy: it's a solid. not a liquid. >> steve: jell-o shots. >> jimmy: and finally, pro, making a resolution to stop
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procrastinating. con, starting tomorrow. there you go. that's the pros and cons. we'll be right back with the best. nicole kidman is here tonight! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ thompson's waterseal waterproofing stain. the seal you can trust. with stain and sealer in one... and easy to choose colors... exceptional beauty and protection have never been easier. thompson's waterseal waterproofing stain.
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ice breakers.
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: our first guest this evening is an academy and multiple golden globe award winning performer. she's been in so many great movies, from "eyes wide shut" to "moulin rouge" to "the hours". and soon you can see her playing the villain in the big new family film "paddington", which is in theaters friday, january 16th. please welcome to the show, a a terrific actress. say hello to nicole kidman! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: that's what i'm talking about right there. nicole! >> hi. >> jimmy: welcome to the show. thank you for coming on. >> yes. >> jimmy: you look gorgeous. i don't know if you remember this, but we met before.
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>> oh, i remember. >> jimmy: do you remember this? it was really embarrassing for me. >> yes. >> jimmy: it was? >> yeah. i've not seen you since then. >> jimmy: i have not. >> right? >> jimmy: that is correct. >> no. >> jimmy: but this is years ago. do you want to tell my version of the story? >> yeah, you tell your version. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: i'm walking down the street in new york city. my friend rick calls me and says, "dude, what are you doing?" i go, "i'm just walking down the street." he goes, "i have nicole kidman with me, and she wants to meet you for maybe -- to be in 'bewitched' or something like that. so i go, "what -- uh, okay." she goes, "i can be in your apartment in like ten minutes." i go, "you're going to bring nicole kidman over to my apartment?" and like, "okay, i don't know. what do i do? what do i do?" he goes, "i don't know. just cut some cheese and crackers or something." [ laughter ] and i'm like, "cheese and crackers? i don't know what you're talking about." i don't have dinner parties. i don't have anyone over to my house. i'm like, "i have video games and sneakers." [ laughter ] so i go, and there's a deli. and i go in the deli -- i go, "what -- what do you mean
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cheese? he goes, "get brie or something." i go, "brie?" i didn't even know what that is. i'm like uhh? so i go in and this is like, i'm on "saturday night live". i guess, or something. i don't remember really when it was. >> i just remember i liked you. and he was like -- not now. i'm married now. but he was like, oh, well you can meet -- [ audience ohs ] >> jimmy: what was that? [ sad tuba ] [ laughter ] ♪ >> jimmy: what? >> not that way! >> jimmy: wait, wait. what's going on? wait, what? >> so he says -- [ laughter ] so rick, our mutual friend, says -- oh, you know, jimmy wants to meet you, and you can go over to his apartment. and i'm single. i'm like, "okay, yeah, cool." >> jimmy: wait, what?! >> yes! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: what are you talking about?! >> yes! >> jimmy: did i date nicole kidman? is that a date? >> so i go over though, and you're there in a baseball cap, and like nothing. just like -- [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i had brie cheese! >> and you wouldn't talk. you didn't say anything.
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you were like, "hey." [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i didn't say -- i was very nervous. >> yes! you went, "mm, mm." and i went, okay. >> jimmy: i didn't know this was a -- that this is a thing. i thought this was a movie. >> it was like a hang. it was meant to just -- i don't know. and then you put a video game on or something. and i'm like, "this is so bad." [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] it was bad. [ sad tuba ] i swear! and you didn't talk at all. and so after about an hour and a half, i thought, he has no interest. this is so embarrassing. [ audience oohs ] >> jimmy: i had no clue at all. >> and i kind of left, and went, "okay, no chemistry." and then i was like, "maybe he's gay." [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: come on! take care.
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♪ >> okay, now -- [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: well -- >> so tell me, jimmy -- >> jimmy: well, doctor, i remember it like it was yesterday. nicole kidman walked in my apartment. did you remember what the apartment looked like? >> like not much. [ laughter ] anyway, we weren't meant to be, right? >> jimmy: wow, did you make a a good decision. >> stop! you did! [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you made a great, a a fantastic decision. >> anyway, it was like that. >> jimmy: oh, my gosh. i am shock right now. >> we're both married with kids. >> jimmy: yeah. i can't believe i dated nicole kidman. this is fantastic. [ laughter ] >> you didn't! >> jimmy: this is unbelievable. unbelievable. it was one of the most awkward moments ever and i thought --
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>> you're red. >> jimmy: i really am. i'm in shock. >> so am i. >> jimmy: i can't believe it. you're definitely embarrassed. yeah, i mean -- wow, my gosh. are you friends with rick anymore? >> yes, i just saw him. >> jimmy: no, we don't talk to him after that. >> he's adorable. >> jimmy: after that, yeah. well, you made a much better decision. keith urban is so much cooler than i am. he's a rock star. you live in nashville now. >> i do, yeah. >> jimmy: he's always on tour. isn't he constantly like -- >> no. >> jimmy: yes. these country guys -- yes. he's always on tour. >> you're now trying to be all serious and -- >> jimmy: yeah, i know. i'm trying to be serious. look, here's the deal. >> yeah. >> jimmy: i'm not always on tour. i'm always at home. [ laughter ] kids. >> you're working all the time. stop. okay, so what -- >> jimmy: did he not just play a gig new years eve, right? >> he did, in niagara falls. >> jimmy: yeah, in niagara falls. the canada side or the new york side? >> the canada side. >> jimmy: that's the side. >> beautiful. >> jimmy: the canada side is like lights and it's like, almost like vegas. it's fun. and the new york side looks like a lemony snicket book
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cover. [ laughter ] sad and less trees with no leaves on it. and you go, "what happened? why is that side so much worse?" canada side, that's the place to do it. it's amazing. yeah, we got to work in that side of niagara falls. so where does he play? >> i've never been to the new york side. >> jimmy: oh, please, we know. we'll fix it up. but where does he play? >> he played at -- for a big show there for about 60,000 people. >> jimmy: have you been to niagara falls? >> i had before -- [ laughter ] we can't even have a a conversation. >> jimmy: you're feeling a a little something. yeah, yeah, yeah. [ laughter ] >> i'm not! >> jimmy: a little chemistry. a little chemistry now. it's too late, baby. ship is sailed, okay, nicole. taken, okay? i am taken, okay. [ laughter ] just kidding. just kidding. i can't believe this. what a day. >> i am never coming on this show again. >> jimmy: no! come on, please! please, no, come on! you got to -- they're feeling it. this is fantastic. and we love keith. >> i'm teasing you.
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>> jimmy: we love keith. >> you love keith? >> jimmy: he's been on the show. i know you love keith more than i do. [ laughter ] i'm not saying i have a thing for keith urban. i'm saying i enjoy his music, and i like him -- i like him as a personality. >> we're now fighting over keith. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: only one of us here is in love with keith -- >> this is a disaster. >> jimmy: no, it's not a a disaster. he's always been on the show, and you've never been on the show. >> no. >> jimmy: is this why? >> absolutely. >> jimmy: that's so odd. >> no, i just -- we would watch you at home. and i'd feel like, "gosh will i ever go on that show and bring that story up? hmm, maybe not." >> jimmy: and you did! >> and now i did. anyway, let's talk about "paddington". >> jimmy: this is the best day ever, man. this is like a great day. let's talk about "paddington". "paddington". congrats already. it's a big hit already. internationally, right? >> yes. >> jimmy: overseas. they released it overseas first. >> yeah. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah. >> yeah. >> jimmy: i remember i got brie cheese -- [ laughter ]
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>> and corn chips. >> jimmy: corn chips. i didn't -- did i get corn chips? >> yeah, and some old chinese food. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: how can i buy old chinese food? >> it was in the fridge. >> jimmy: it was in the fridge. it probably was. i really was nothing there. >> see, i've got a good memory. >> jimmy: oh, my god. i remember i got saltine crackers and i didn't have -- it was just really awful. i didn't know -- >> and what sport do you really like? was it baseball or something? >> jimmy: what sport i was in to? what hat i was wearing? >> yeah. you were wearing some baseball cap. >> jimmy: you let me remember i was wearing a baseball hat. cool man. >> and some sweats. >> jimmy: i was not wearing sweatpants! what are you talking about? it's like you went over to like "duck dynasty" guy's house or something like that. i was not wearing cameo sweatpants! i was dressed in a probably a a three piece suit or something. >> you weren't interested, so you wore sweats and a baseball cap. >> jimmy: it's not true. i don't even know what you're talking about. now i'm like freaking out. all right. i'm gonna go back to "paddington". we're going to edit this out. >> yeah.
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[ laughter ] the bear. >> jimmy: the bear. >> the little adorable bear. >> jimmy: it's a cute bear. it's a cute movie. you play the villain in the movie. >> i do. >> jimmy: that's a good, juicy role. >> yep. >> jimmy: do you also want to play -- what? [ laughter ] >> i can't even talk to you now. >> jimmy: i mean, you can't even -- you're like stuttering and stuff. yeah, it's a nervous -- >> only because you make me laugh now. >> jimmy: i make you laugh, yeah. i always make you laugh. [ laughter ] so let's talk about it. it's hugh bonneville, my man hugh bonneville. >> so funny. >> jimmy: love him, "downton abbey". we love him. this is a cgi bear and, of course, everyone knows the books. >> but the bear does have the most beautiful eyes. no, he does. >> jimmy: yeah. [ laughter ] he does. >> why are you laughing? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: everyone's feeling the sexual chemistry here. >> there is no -- >> jimmy: and it's awkward and it seems so odd -- ♪ [ cheers and applause ] want to play mario brothers? want to play mario brothers? let me show you my new nintendo.
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that's pretty cool. i can't believe that's really a a story. i want to show everyone a clip. the movie opens january 16th. it's fantastic. [ light laughter ] here's nicole kidman playing the bad guy in "paddington". check it out. >> yes. >> there was some weird sort of animal at the dock today. >> oh, yes? >> i was doing my rounds as usual when i spotted something sticky on the deck of the boat. i think they were paw prints. must have been in there all the way from peru. seems to have lived on nothing but marmalade. >> did you say marmalade? >> hmm. >> what happened to him? >> he sneaked out in the mail van. >> yes. >> i tracked him as far as paddington station. >> good. >> but then he disappeared. >> i'm sorry. it's just that creature means a a great deal to me. >> why? is he endangered? >> he is now. >> jimmy: yeah, that's what i'm talking about right there. [ cheers and applause ] "paddington", january 16th. now, nicole, you're a -- obviously, you're a great
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actor. but i wanted to put your acting skills to the test. i would like to challenge you to a game called box of lies. [ cheers and applause ] you in? let's do it. that's what i'm talking about right there. nicole kidman and i are playing box of lies after the break! stick around, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ scott danshaw was never afraid of a good dare. ♪ or even a double dare. a dare made him a legend at brunner valley high. and a pro basketball player for 10 seconds. scott danshaw, we have three more dares for you. mild chipotle, hot habanero, and fiery ghost pepper. taco bell's new $1 dare devil loaded grillers. try all three if you dare. [bong] and now i'm going to get them to milsmell my shirt.uys,
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davy crockett? thank you. katie, do you think i needed a fancy protein shake to wrestle all those bears? no? that's right, all i ever had to eat was meat, cheese and nuts. okay? try that. it's protein without all that mumbo jumbo... katie. here's our chance. let's take this one together. what? i got you bear! p3 from oscar mayer. it's 13 grams of protein from the original source. choosing a wireless plan can be complicated. so verizon made one simple plan with four sizes that you can switch at any time. small... medium. large. and extra large. if you need less data, pick small. if you need more, go with extra large. a whopping 12 gigs for $80 a month and $20 per phone. one plan, four sizes. it's the simple way to get the best network. only at verizon.
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a good host, is a good host ♪ no matter where he's hosting. ♪ stella artois host beautifully i'm supposed to tell you how it feels when you book the perfect family vacation on hotels.com. but i think he's kinda nailing it. (music) hotels.com. they don't need me right now.
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[female announcer] if the most is the staying awake part, day sleep train has your ticket to a better night's sleep. because when brands compete, you save during mattress price wars. save up to $400 on beautyrest and posturepedic. get interest-free financing until 2018 on tempur-pedic. plus, helpful advice from the sleep experts. don't miss mattress price wars at sleep train. ♪ sleep train ♪ your ticket to a better night's sleep ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome back to the "tonight show." we are here with our pal nicole kidman. she stars in the big family film "paddington", which is in theaters next friday, january 16th. now nicole and i are about to
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face off in a game called box of lies. [ cheers ] here's how it works, okay. >> yes. >> jimmy: upstage are a bunch of boxes containing objects neither of us have seen before. taking turns nicole and i are going to select a box and open it on our side of the table, out of view of the other person. now once the object has been revealed, you look at your opponent and tell them what's in the box. you may be lying. you may be telling the truth. your opponent has to guess either lie or truth. [ laughter ] if you guess correctly, you get a point. if you guess wrong, the other person gets a point. first to two points wins. nicole, please pick the first box. [ shouts ] >> jimmy: hmm, four. it doesn't look that heavy. that's clue number one. >> you're so competitive. >> jimmy: i am not. video games maybe. >> oh, is this right? is this right, what i'm doing? >> jimmy: i don't know. i can't see. i can't see.
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[ laughter ] >> an old cheese sandwich with a bite taken out of it. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you added "of it" at the end. and you weren't going to say "of it." interesting. >> i thought that would help you. >> jimmy: yeah, that's confusing. yeah, yeah, yeah. [ with australian accent ] old cheese sandwich -- [ laughter and applause ] with a bite taken out of it. cheese sandwich. that doesn't feel american enough to me. >> oh! >> jimmy: you lie. >> yes. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: yay!
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a point! what was it? >> a piece of pizza. >> jimmy: oh, that's close to a a cheese sandwich. interesting. >> huh, yeah. >> jimmy: tricky, tricky move. >> yeah, that's what i thought. >> jimmy: you can stop staring at me now. [ laughter ] >> i can't. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: which one? [ shouts ] i'm good, right? [ grunts ] >> not good. you lie. >> jimmy: you're the one who's good at acting. hmm. mm-mm-mm. [ laughter ] >> that was miming. that was -- >> jimmy: yeah, maybe i didn't tell you anything else. >> marcel marceau. [ grunts ] [ laughter ] >> jimmy: okay. what's in my box? [ laughter ] it's a heavy thing.
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probably weighs about three pounds. >> you're blushing now. [ laughter and applause ] lie, lie, lie. >> jimmy: it's not a lie. i didn't finish what it was yet. >> okay, sorry. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: it is -- a statue. an award maybe. >> oh, man. >> jimmy: that's it. that's all i'm going to give you. [ laughter ] it's a statue -- it might be an award. i remember. i remember. [ laughter ] that's my acting. that's my acting. >> you lie! lie! >> jimmy: yes, it is a lie. >> whoo! >> jimmy: big deal! it's a hammer covered in stamps! [ cheers and applause ] how did you know it was a lie?
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what gave it away? >> because you went bright red. >> jimmy: alright, here we go. the next person who wins, wins the whole thing. >> yeah, yeah, yeah. [ shouts ] eight? they said eight. >> jimmy: okay, eight. here we go. very light. very light. >> oh. [ grunts ] >> jimmy: you went to my acting school. yeah. [ laughter ] how to carry heavy things. >> i could be pretending. to be so light. [ grunts ] >> jimmy: i can hear clunking around. >> oh, shush. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: shush. >> oh gosh, okay. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: just be cool. just tell me what's in there. >> a condom. [ laughter ] ♪ >> jimmy: stop it, stop it, stop it. what?
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[ laughter and applause ] are you telling the truth? [ cheers and applause ] [ sad tuba ] that's the champ right there, nicole kidman! i knew you were getting me on that one. patton oswalt joins us next. there he is an xbox green room. see you after the break, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ i have a video i want you to watch and no matter what i need you to stay focused. don't take your eyes off of the screen. sfx: drill noise. sfx: puppies barking. wrestlers: ahhh!! grrr!!! owwweee! it's hard to stay focused. text message alerts from chevy let you send a text response at the touch of a button ... so you can focus on driving. this will make it a little easier
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and adjustable bases. change to tempur-pedic. sesee that kayla? i did that. whoa! with minwax stains and protective finishes, you get a real sense of pride when you complete a project. that's right julie, i did that. the possibility of a flare swas almost always on my mind. thinking about what to avoid, where to go... and how to deal with my uc. to me, that was normal. until i talked to my doctor. she told me that humira helps people like me get uc under control and keep it under control when certain medications haven't worked well enough. humira can lower your ability to fight infections, including tuberculosis. serious, sometimes fatal infections and cancers, including lymphoma, have happened; as have blood, liver, and nervous system problems, serious allergic reactions, and new or worsening heart failure. before treatment, get tested for tb. tell your doctor if you've been to areas where
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: our next guest is a a fantastic stand-up comedian, a three-time grammy nominee and "new york times" best-selling author. his latest book, "silver screen fiend: learning about life from an addiction to film", is available right now. ladies and gentlemen please welcome patton oswalt! [ cheers and applause ] ♪
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>> jimmy: yeah! that's what i'm talking about. >> yes. >> jimmy: good to see you, buddy. >> oh, my god. how are you doing, man? >> jimmy: fantastic. haven't seen you in a while. congrats on the new book. >> thank you, thank you. >> jimmy: this is awesome. it's fun. >> yeah, that was me. it's all about me from 1995 to 1999. >> jimmy: yeah. >> addicted to films. >> jimmy: what got you into it? like, you wanted to go see as many films as you possibly could? >> yeah, back in l.a. i just got sucked into going to places like the new beverly and the new art, and places like that. >> jimmy: aw, i love the new art. >> i remember, actually, i think i met you there. i was with a friend. i was like, "hey, that guy, he's pretty cute, like introduce me." [ laughter ] ♪ and so then, you had me over -- remember, you said, "look, come over and we'll play some video games." i went to your apartment. you laid out like --
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it was like ritz crackers and gouda cheese. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i upped my game a a little bit. yeah, yeah. i upped my game, yeah. yeah, we didn't hit it off. >> i don't know. i was like, look, maybe nicole kidman would fall for this. [ laughter ] but i'm a little more -- >> jimmy: no one did. no one did. >> you blew it. i'm taken, man. >> jimmy: yeah. sorry about that, yeah. i do remember that. >> yeah, exactly. >> jimmy: absolutely. but it's good, this is -- it's a film thing, but it's also a little bit of a memoir, too, of your time in l.a. at the time. because you were a comedian. and going out there and you just started. were you writing for "mad tv"? >> yeah, i had just moved to l.a. i had gotten a writing job on "mad tv." then, i went to this place called the new beverly, which is still there, a little rep theater. and i started seeing movies. and in my mind i did that thing of, well, i became a comedian because i watched a lot of comedians, and then i went on stage. so if i want become a a director -- because i wanted to write movies and direct them. -- i'll just start seeing movies. because scorsese watches movies all the time. all the great directors just devour films. >> jimmy: they live and breathe
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it. >> but what i forgot was that after they devoured films for a a little while and then started making them. i just got stuck in the devouring phase. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you were just a dude watching movies. >> that's all i did. and i was becoming like one of those -- you must have seen them, because you told me you went to the new art a bunch. >> jimmy: yeah. >> these people, all they would do is see movies. it was even scary because i got this thing where, if i see a a classic movie that's in one of these five movie books that i have, these guides, and i check it off. that will make me have a good set. >> jimmy: it's fantastic. i like that you embrace the nerdiness of it all because i enjoy going to see films. and i love -- everyone does it, too. everybody's a critic. and you go, like, "oh, i thought the ending was well done." it's like, really? it's just a fun movie. >> exactly. >> jimmy: but if you get too obsessed with it, you get into debates with people and stuff. >> and well, you get -- see, that's the thing. i didn't get in debates with people. i got into -- i would talk to them just for an hour in paragraphs, and wouldn't let them get a word in edge-wise. >> jimmy: yeah. >> well, you know, this double feature, this is "sunset boulevard" and "the ace in the hole".
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now, "ace in the hole" was his follow up to "sunset boulevard". now, sunset boulevard is weird because he went and it was just -- [ making engine noises ] >> jimmy: as you're still talking. >> and i would see the kind of person i could turn into if i didn't pull myself -- you'd see these people -- i remember one time i went to the new art to see "the rocky horror picture show". >> jimmy: that's what i saw. >> yeah. >> jimmy: the midnight showings. >> well, they had this group of kids that clearly they would do the regular show. they would go there. they would dress up. and then, there was this weird guy who looked like kind of jeff bridges in "the big lebowski", who had -- he kind of understood the idea but not really. and he wore this robe, and he had a staff that he covered in christmas lights. so he would -- they would doing like the "time warp" and dancing. and he would just be kind of over to the side, just waving this stick with lights on it. [ laughter ] you could see -- like "the rocky horror" kids were like, "let's not make this guy angry because he'll skin us and make us into box kites." [ laughter ] so they all let him -- >> jimmy: turn them into box kites?
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>> yeah. but, so every "rocky horror picture show", for awhile at the new art, was this great group of kids -- >> jimmy: who know the movie. >> yeah, this weird beach guy just, aghh! in his mind, "the rocky horror picture show" was a stick covered in christmas lights and you wave it around. >> jimmy: that's not what you do at all. >> that's the entire movie, so -- >> jimmy: it's a fantastic book. i want you to check it out. but here's one thing. this is what i love about you. and just tell me if i'm right about this. there is photo of you in the back. you know how author's always have a picture of them? clearly, you didn't set up a a photo shoot. >> no, i didn't. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: this looks like you took your iphone out. your publisher called and said, "do you have a photo?" and you took a selfie, and said, "here it is, goodbye." >> that is exactly -- the publisher called and said, "oh, my god, we forgot to do a a jacket photo. do you want to set something up?" and as i was -- no, i got the e-mail, and as i was answering the e-mail, i just went -- like that. i did the tilt up to hide the fat neck. [ laughter ] you do that. you know, you always take the picture -- >> jimmy: that's very smart. you've got to do that. >> then, i e-mailed it in.
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although, i did it too much because now i look like an 83-year-old meth addict in the picture. [ laughter ] it's awful. >> jimmy: a very talented one as well. i got to say, you're also on tour. and this is a big deal. you're doing carnegie hall next week. >> carnegie hall friday. >> jimmy: this friday. [ cheers and applause ] >> this friday, yeah, yeah. >> jimmy: hey, congratulations, man. >> thank you. have you ever done carnegie hall? >> jimmy: not by myself, no. >> oh god. i am very, very nervous. so i hope it goes well. i'm very excited, but i'm very nervous. >> jimmy: it will go well. we're all going to send you vibes. pattonoswalt.com to get more details. he's a good man. [ cheers and applause ] go check out his book "silver screen fiend: learning about life from an addiction to film" available right now. the war on drugs perform next! patton oswalt! [ cheers and applause ] ♪
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: our next guest's latest album "lost in the dream" was one of the most critically acclaimed releases of 2014, including year-end number one rankings on itunes and amazon. here to perform the song "an ocean in between the waves," please welcome, the war on drugs! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ ♪ run away i'm a travelin' man
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been working every day i watch you as ♪ ♪ you hesitate walking through the rain ♪ ♪ feel the way that the wild wind blows through the room ♪ ♪ like a nail gun through the heart ♪ ♪ that just don't beat the same anymore that might as well be gone ♪ ♪ i'm in my finest hour can i be more than just a fool ♪
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♪ it always gets so hard to seem bright before the moon ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ far away ma there's a black sun risin' overhead there's a moon through the midnight rain ♪ ♪ how can i surround myself in time and time again
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how can i be free ♪ ♪ just wanna lay in the moonlight and see the light shine in see you in the outline ♪ ♪ it never gets too dark to find anybody at anytime ♪ ♪ i'm at the darkened hillside and there's a haze right between the trees ♪ ♪ and i can barely reach you you're like an ocean in between the waves ♪ ♪
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♪ ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ]
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>> jimmy: that's it right there. oh, my goodness. that's the way to do it. thanks, buddy. the war on drugs! "lost in your dreams" in stores now. we'll be right back, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] ♪
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: my thanks to nicole kidman, patton oswalt, the war on drugs! [ cheers and applause ] and the roots right there, from philadelphia everybody. stay tuned for "late night with
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seth meyers!" thank you for watching. have a great night. i hope to see you tomorrow. bye-bye, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> announcer: from 30 rockefeller plaza in new york, it's "late night with seth meyers." tonight -- craig robinson. from "the jim gaffigan show," michael ian black. cooking with master chef christina tosi. featuring the 8g band with brad wilk. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] and now, here he is, seth meyers! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> seth: good evening, everybody, i'm seth meyers. this is "late night."

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